A summary of a recent presentation given by UB therapist Jennifer Calliss, MA, LCPC to The Tourette Connection. This is part of a 5 session series developed by Jennifer that focuses on effectively parenting adolescents. This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

When you are a parent of an adolescent nothing seems normal about this stage of development. You are dealing with behaviors, attitudes, and beliefs that are often very different from what you have worked so hard to instill in your child. The thing we have to understand is that there is purpose behind these behaviors or as I would say there are goals to these misbehaviors. I define misbehaviors as the actions and words that disregard or disrespect the rights or safety of others, or that are self-defeating or even dangerous to oneself.  These are negative goals that do not foster the adolescent’s development, in fact, they hinder development. If an adolescent is busy putting energy into negative goals they have most likely stopped pursuing positive goals.

How do you recognize the goal of misbehavior?  The answer: your feelings as a parent and your teen’s response. When a misbehavior occurs, initially consider your own feelings. Are you angry, hurt, annoyed, depressed?  Then notice how your teen responds to your reaction. These two steps can help determine if there is a purpose behind the behavior they are exhibiting.

There are four basic goals of misbehavior:

1. Attention
2. Power
3. Revenge
4. Display of Inadequacy

Attention: All children seek attention. If a teenager can’t get attention in a positive way, they shift to seeking attention in a negative way. These methods can be disturbing and annoying, but they need to get noticed and they will do whatever it takes for that to happen. There are many attention seeking behaviors that range from fighting with their siblings to the more extreme of self harm. If you as a parent are feeling annoyed by your teen’s behavior then there is a good chance your teen’s goal is attention.

Power: Power-seeking teens believe they are important when they challenge authority and take control. They are afraid that others are out to boss them around, so they look for ways to control every situation. When parents challenge teens in these situations, the parents often win the argument but lose ground in the relationship. When a teen challenges an adult the teen is trying to take control, which often angers the adult. If you as a parent are feeling angry then your teen’s goal is most likely power.

Revenge: A typical situation where a teen would seek revenge is after losing a power struggle with a parent. Although the parent won the power struggle the teen knows that he/she has the ability to hurt the parent. This turns into a vicious cycle because if a parent feels hurt then they want to get even, so they punish their teen and the teen now has a new reason to seek further revenge. If as a parent you are feeling hurt then your teen’s goal is probably revenge.

Display of Inadequacy: Teens who display inadequacy are the most discourage of all teens. Their goal is to have others expect nothing of them. These teens believe they lack the ability to perform competently. When this occurs parents generally feel despair and may want to give up. If as a parent you are feeling despair/sad then your teen is displaying inadequacy.

As a parent you don’t want to reinforce the adolescent’s inappropriate behavior so there are ways to modify your responses to help facilitate change.

Never give attention on demand, even for prosocial behaviors. Help teens become self-motivated by giving attention when not expected, or catch them being good.

Bow out of power struggles because they usually stimulate more rebellion and thus more parental anger. It takes two to have a power struggle!

Those teens seeking revenge want to know they hurt you so consciously avoid feeling hurt in their presence. Kindness and patience goes a long way towards helping teens shed the desire for revenge.

Giving up on teens who display inadequacy will only allow them to become more discouraged, so let them know you don’t believe they are incapable and encourage them to take appropriate risks.

Adolescents will not give up on their negative behaviors overnight, so realize this process takes continued effort and time on the parents’ part. Remember that parents can only change themselves and their own behavior. When the teen realizes that the old ways and patterns of behavior don’t work, then the teen will find an incentive to change.

More info about UB Therapist Jennifer Calliss:

Jennifer has comprehensive experience working with adolescents and their familes, but also enjoys working with adults and couples. Jennifer believes in building a trusting and supportive therapeutic relationship. She recognizes that success comes with knowing someone believes that change can happen and wants to guide you through that process. Jennifer utilizes cognitive behavioral and solution focused approaches to create a personalized, client centered experience.

More resources on Adolescence from The UB Counseling Wellness Directory:

• Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls
• Child and Adolescent Bipolar Foundation
• National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline