Effectively managing boundaries is an extremely important aspect of achieving balance and wellness in our lives.

by UB's Joyce Marter, LCPC

We all have different comfort levels with various aspects of our relationships personally and professionally. Our natural boundary styles are affected by past experience and this should be considered normal. But sometimes your boundaries may be causing problems in your personal or professional life, and may need to be consciously redefined.

To better define what boundaries are, here is a list of common boundary types:

• Physical (our need for space versus connection)
• Sexual (with who, where, when, how, style of dress, behavior)
• Informational (how much we tell others and the rate of disclosure)
• Professional (appropriate versus inappropriate)
• Personal (balancing connection with solitude)
• Financial (what we share with others versus our need for separateness)
• Social Networking (do you connect and share with many or few)
• Time (time spent on work, alone, socially)

Again, our style of managing boundaries is shaped by our family-of-origin and past experience. For example some people may have grown up in families with poor boundaries, where family members were enmeshed, and there was poor separation or identity development. Others may have grown up in families where there was disconnection, secrecy or formality that impaired intimacy. Not all of us grew up in environments that promoted healthy self esteem, role definition, and boundary development.

Some people have experienced very traumatic boundary violations through physical, emotional or sexual abuse. The result can be great difficulty setting healthy boundaries (which is a normal response to abuse that unfortunately can cause it to be recreated,) or setting overly firm boundaries (which can make it difficult to feel safely connected and intimately close to others.)

There may be times when our boundaries may be too rigid or too loose. Both ends of the spectrum can cause problems emotionally and relationally. For example, if our boundaries are too rigid, others may have a hard time connecting with us personally and professionally, and we may experience loneliness or ineffectiveness in our workplaces. Having boundaries that are too loose can cause us to be vulnerable, which can lead to being taken advantage of or disrespected.

Healthy self esteem correlates with healthy boundaries. When our self-esteem is low, we may behave passively and have poor boundary management, which puts us at risk for becoming a "door mat," being disrespected, or having our boundaries violated. Healthy boundaries is the difference between aggressive and assertive behavior. Aggressive behavior is when we harshly set our boundaries while violating the boundaries of others. Assertive behavior is when we have good self-esteem and set boundaries in a way that is clear, appropriate, respectful and direct. Good boundaries facilitate a healthy balance between feeling safe emotionally and physically while feeling comfortably connected to others.

Good boundary management requires good judgment. Sometimes it is appropriate and necessary to respond more aggressively (for example, when your safety is in jeopardy.) Sometimes it is more appropriate and effective to be more open and vulnerable, to allow ourselves to have intimacy and meaningful connection in our lives. It is all about finding a healthy balance for ourselves. Effective boundary management requires awareness, insight, mindfulness and practice as we move through our lives.

Finally, therapy can be a safe place to assess your boundaries, develop healthy self-esteem and practice assertiveness in boundary management.

For more information on boundaries, check out the books by Henry Cloud or Anne Katherine.