by Joyce Marter, LCPC
Divorce (and all of the transitions and changes a family endures as a result) are some of the biggest challenges a family system can experience. At Urban Balance, our therapists frequently counselin many parents and children as they come to a place of acceptance after divorce and adjust to a new life – usually with new family arrangements and relationships to navigate.
While in therapy at UB, parents often inquire about strategies they can employ to help their children adjust and come to a place of acceptance about divorce, as well as integrate new romantic relationships into their lives with their children. Here are some of the more common tools we recommend to help your children better cope with this typically stressful and turbulent time:
1) Be Empathic
Empathy is the ability to put yourself in somebody else’s shoes and to understand their perspective and how they may feel. Reflect emphatically to a child that you understand their feelings (fear, loss, anger, sadness) and that their feelings are a normal response to the transition. Empathy is an extremely important tool to help your children feel connected and supported. Sometimes kids “up the ante” through acting out and other behaviors if they feel unheard by their parents. Parents need to understand their kids' feelings - they are going through an understandable period of grief, loss and major adjustment. Parents need to keep in mind that their children’s emotional experience may be far different than their own. A parent might feel relief or anger as a result of divorce while a child may be overwhelmed with feelings of sadness and fear. Sometimes kids express more anger at the parent with whom they have a more secure attachment or relationship. Sometimes kids will accept one parent having a new partner but not the other. Allowing your kids to have whatever feelings they have and reflecting that you understand those feelings can help diffuse the emotional intensity of divorce. Understand that feelings are waves of energy and you may have to surf some big waves to get to the other side of divorce (additionally, waves of feelings will resurface from time to time.) Teaching children and adolescents positive and age-appropriate ways to channel their emotions is also extremely helpful (through sports, art, journaling, therapy.)
2) Manage Expectations
Parents may want their kids to be able to move on and be happy about the new lives of the parents as separate individuals. Parents may be further along in the grief and transition process and expect their kids to be in the same place emotionally. Understand that it may take much longer for your kids to adjust. They have less emotional and intellectual resources to help them cope and adjust. They also have far less control over this change than the parents may have had. This process is going to take time and there will be bumps.
3) Practice Detachment
Parents need the ability to tolerate their kids' difficult emotions and not get "hooked" and become reactive. You can be lovingly and empathically present for your kids while also being separate from them and their emotional process. Detachment requires good boundaries and good self-care. It also requires the ability to “let go”—to breathe out your kids’ stuff and release the tendency to want to control their emotional process.
4) Maintain Good Boundaries
Parents need to be mindful of their boundaries with their kids (emotional, relational, financial) especially as related to their ex and any new romantic interest or partner. Parents should be mindful not to triangulate the children in issues with their ex (financial, emotional.) Kids need to be able to have a healthy relationship with both parents and it shouldn’t be confused or influenced by the parents’ feelings about each other.
The introduction of dating and new romantic interests needs to be handled delicately with respect and care. While it is imperative for an adult to have a healthy romantic life, it is important to be conscious of the feelings of the kids and the effect on the family system. Each member of the family is like a part of a machine and when you change or add a part, the whole dynamic changes. Introducing too many people too soon can create feelings of chaos and instability. Introducing a partner too late can create feelings of lack of trust and betrayal. Parents should be mindful about when and how to introduce new love interests and should give their kids a chance to express their feelings. Parents should also set some firm boundaries and expectations with their kids that they are going to date and need to date as part of being a whole, healthy adult. It is a delicate dance that sometimes requires the assistance of outside support from friends, family, teachers or a therapist.
We see some parents martyr themselves and forgo dating or pursuing new relationships in an attempt to protect the kids from negative feelings about yet another change. This increases the likelihood that the parent will become depressed or isolated and that the children will end of feeling emotionally responsible for that parent over time. Parents need to model being a healthy, functioning adult for their children.
5) Be Honest & Direct
Parents should be honest and direct with their kids while keeping it age appropriate. Many kids who have been through divorce have issues with trust, betrayal and secrecy. Kids are extremely perceptive and often know what you aren’t saying to them directly. Trust is a critical aspect of your relationship with your kids that should be nurtured and strengthened.
Introducing the concept of dating to a child or adolescent brings about the notion of the parent as a sexual being. This is something that should be handled in an age-appropriate way. What you share with your 18 year-old will be different than what you share with your 5 year old--over sharing or under sharing can create different issues and problems. If handled in a direct and honest way, dating can be an opportunity to model for your kids how to navigate through life and relationships in a positive way.
6) Get Support
This is a big transition and you will all need support. Talk to friends, read books, attend a support group or see a therapist. Get your kids support as well, even if they decline. You and your kids will need to connect with others who understand.
Sometimes the most painful transitions in life offer the opportunity for the deepest healing and growth.