The great American poet, Robert Frost, said, “The Best Way Out is Always Through”.  This wonderful quote is how I start my work with people grieving the loss of a loved one.   Frost deeply understood the grieving process as he experienced so much of it throughout his lifetime.  His father died when he was young boy of 11 and his mother passed away when he was 26.  His wife suffered from chronic depression and four of his children preceded him in death, one by suicide.  So much loss in one lifetime, yet Frost was able to become one of the greatest poets in American History.

 As  I sat at Starbucks recently and drank my cappuccino, I noticed the side of my cup which read: “The Way I See It" (#251), by  Andy Webster, a Hospice Chaplain in Plymouth, Michigan.

"….Our greatest prejudice is against death.  It spans age, gender and race.  We spend immeasurable amounts of energy fighting an event that will eventually triumph.  Though it is noble not to give in easily, the most alive people I’ve ever met are those who embrace their death.  They love, laugh and live more fully.”

While Mr. Webster helps those facing death, I work with family members after someone they love has died.   Like Mr. Webster, I see people who seem to have a deeper appreciation of all that life holds.  They want to express their pain but are often up against a culture that doesn’t understand or welcome their grief.   They come in for support and often say they feel like they’re going crazy.  Their friends and family want them to “get better”,  “get over it”, “move on”, or know that “their loved one is in a better place”.  While family and friends are all well meaning, their words and attitudes are hurtful.  Grief is an ongoing process that does not have a defined beginning and end.  It is a lifelong experience that will ebb and flow.  Below are some lessons learned from grieving people:

1. Try to not to plan too far out, take one day at a time
2. You may feel like you’re going crazy, grief feels that way
3. Create a space where you can remember and think about the person that died
4. Set up photos or special momentos, it’s not bad to create a shrine
5. Know that anniversaries, birthdays will be hard in the beginning…plan for them
6. Don’t rush going through belongings or changing things….you’ll know when it’s the right time
7. Get a massage, our bodies hold grief
8. Try to eat well and sleep when you can
9.  Ignore people when they ask “ are you over it yet?”  They clearly don’t understand the grieving process.  You are never “over it”  somehow you learn to live “with it”
10. Talk about the person that died…say their name…tell people stories about them.
11. Wear a piece of their clothing or jewelry
12. Listen to music that helps you grieve
13. Tale a long car ride by yourself and cry
14. Take a car trip with someone else driving, .staring out the windows helps
15. Knit, needlepoint or crochet…busy hands equals a quiet mind
16. Assemble photographs of your loved one in a book
17. Cook the person’s favorite food
18. Go for a walk outside, get some sunshine
19.  Be kind to yourself and lower your expectations for each day…sometimes just getting through the day is enough
20. Watch a movie to take a break from your grief.

Grief and loss is a well worn path tread by all.  It looks and feels different on everyone.  Find a way to express those feelings and reach out for help when you think it's time because though your path may be different, you're not alone.

By Marcy LaKind, LCSW