by Joyce Marter, LCPC

The time in a couples’ relationship when the children leave home is a period of major transition in a marriage or partnership. There is a large adjustment in daily living, roles and responsibilities, and increased time alone together. For some, this is a time when a couple comes to the realization that they have been living in an “empty” marriage—perhaps sticking it out beyond the end of the chemistry and enduring chronic problems for the sake of the children. For others, it is a time of decreased stress and increased freedom that promotes personal growth, shared intimacy, and renewed closeness.

Each couple responds differently to the transition of an empty nest. Factors include:

• The emotional/physical health of the partners
• The strengths of the relationship (emotionally, relationally, sexually)
• Current stressors (financial, health) and support systems (family, friends, spiritual)
• How well balanced are the couples’ career, personal and social lives

A couple where one or both partners are overly identified with their role as a parent is going to have a more difficult time adjusting than a relationship where both partners have full lives with identity and self-esteem sources outside of their roles as parents. Couples who have more common experiences than the raising of children alone may fare better than couples who have less in common.

The transition to an empty nest is an important juncture in a couples’ relationship that may require some special attention. Couples might want to discuss their feelings about the relationship (strengths and areas of needed improvement) as well as their vision for the future. Many couples make other changes at this time, such as moving to a smaller home, going back to school, or making a career change. This may be an excellent time for couples therapy to tune up the relationship and create a shared vision for a positive future together.

For more information, please visit www.urbanbalance.org or contact This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .

Suggested readings:

“Happier Couples in an Empty Nest”: http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/01/19/happier-marriages-in-an-empty-nest/

“Empty Nest Syndrome in Your Marriage”: http://marriage.about.com/cs/midlife/a/emptynest.htm

Books: http://www.amazon.com/Fighting-Your-Empty-Nest-Marriage/dp/0787952222